Squirrels and knives - a tutorial

Should you consider a trip into the Grand Canyon, there is a certain amount of planning and preparation required.  I think Tenacious-MG and I would both recommend the experience though - we had a WONDERFUL time!.  One thing I was truly glad I practiced, however, was knife-fighting.  Yes, you read that right.  A quick course such as this will serve you well:

I would also recommend carrying some sort of substantial sheath knife, or at the very least a large folding knife.  Something like these will do:

This post is really about the brutal reality Team Lightning and Team Thunder faced at the bottom of the Canyon. I know what you are thinking.  What could possibly be so dangerous?  It is a National Park for crying out loud!  Roving packs of marauders?  C.H.U.D.?  Hippies trying to steal your granola?  Phantom Ranch staff who wake you up at 4 am even when you aren't due at breakfast until 6:30am?  Extremely aggressive trout?

Kaibab rattlers?  Scream-inducing (you know who you are!), but rare.

OOO - close, but no.

Actually, most people who are injured by wildlife in the Grand Canyon are injured by squirrels (TRUE - ask a ranger!).  Squirrels such as this one, the Kaibab Squirrel, seen here in an anti-squirrel propaganda poster:

  Oh, I know, you think I am over-reacting.  But only a person who has never stared down a Kaibab squirrel would think that.  I mean look at this one:

He's not THREE FEET from John's tent!  Ready to pounce on any stray bit of trail mix.  Turn your back on one of these cheeky devils and your snacks will be gone in the blink of an eye!  How did this happen?  Too many reckless tourists handing little treats to these masters of cute con-artistry to coax them into mugging for the camera.  Which brings us back around to knife-fighting.

You see as it turns out, squirrels are completely inept at wielding knives.  In fact, their lack of opposable thumbs has left them them among the weakest in the animal kingdom in knife-related combat.  They are so terrified at the sight of a knife, they flee in terror.

The lesson here is preparation and vigilance...and not feeding the squirrels.  If you come to the Canyon comfortable with handling a knife and remain on your guard throughout your trip, you will have as wonderful a time as we did.  Keep your knife at the ready.  Often, it requires only a flash of steel to scatter the Canyon's "Plunderers of Snacks".

I hope that this post doesn't dissuade anyone from a trip into the Grand Canyon.  The likelihood that you will ever have to engage in combat with a squirrel is slim if you adequately prepare and follow the simple rules I have laid out here.  Your reward will be a greater appreciation of our national park system and the truly amazing natural beauty that they preserve.